Cows & Tiaras

So Rox and the posse saw two films recently: "The Queen" and Fast Food Nation. I like to always start with the bad news first, don't you?! You've probably asked yourself a time or two "Where is that darned Beef?!" Well, you could go spend money on Fast Food Nation which is based on the critically acclaimed book of the same name which has been credited for blowing the, well, not-so-hygienically-sealed lid off of the fast food and meatpacking industries...ever really wonder what exactly was in that "special" sauce?! You needn't look further than the freakishly and perfectly round piece of what McDonald's, Burger King, et al call "beef." Apparently, conditions are so bad (or as the fast food industry now says "WERE so bad") that meatpacker's arms and legs, fingers, etc. tended to be ripped off and ground up like Grandma Rox's homemade beef spread in her old-fashioned meat grinder...and, also, there was the occasional small intestine run rampant on the meatpacking belt which tended to allow some cow dung to be an extra added ingredient in your Whopper. All of this is interesting, indeed, but I wish the movie were as interesting as its premise. The acting was ok -- usual stuff by Greg Kinnear and That Spanish Show's Wilmer Valderrama doing his best immigrant work (again). Surprisingly it is Ashely Johnson who turns in a wonderfully understated and meaningful performance here (a free six pack of POP if you know how Ashley first got famous...tic, toc, tic, toc....Ok, Popettes, some of you were right ... Ashley got her start as Chrissy Seaver on Growing Pains (remember how ugly she was, bless her heart? well, she's gorgeous and can act!). Otherwise the story is boring and the final scenes of the "Kill Floor" in the meatpacking building are G-R-O-S-S DISGUSTING! Rent it when you're hankering for a juicy pooh burger! The movie gets a fast 2.5-out-of-a-six-pack of diet POP.

Now, there's something just magical about a movie simply titled "The Queen." Not sure what it is, any ideas? Anywho, the story is about how the Royals handled and/or simply were irritated by all the fuss surrounding Princess Di's death (do you remember where you were when you found out? Rox does as if it were yesterday -- I, of course, was in my late teens...). Nonetheless, if you were emotionally attached in any way to Princess Di's tragic death then this movie is for you -- oh, and if you also want to see sheer magnificance from a thespian who does The Queen better than Richard Simmons. She is amazingly transformed in a similar caliber way as Philip Seymour Hoffman was in "Capote." You forget you're watching an actor ... Rox wanted to spit on the Royal Hiney's mint shoes and tell her to pull the stick or Jimmy Hoffa out of her arse because she had a PR nightmare on her hands, bloody hell!! Then I remembered it wasn't REALLY The Queen...it was someone grander than that ... Dame Helen "I'm Getting an Oscar" Mirren, dammit! TTGP gives The Queen (the movie) a 4.5-pack (out of six) and Ms. Mirren gets a 12-pack of Royal Crown Cola! Hail to all you queens!! Rox